Or let’s put it this way, ” Do we like to be the followers or leaders?” Honestly, in the past, I do not like to be led by others. I used to think that followers are uncreative and unmotivated to think on their own feet and thus had to rely or depend on others for guidance. This thought probably stemmed from my past schooling experiences where I was often chosen by the teacher to be the team leader where I was somehow encourage to lead rather then to follow. Throughout my early childhood right up to adolescence, I could not really accept the notion of “following other or being led by others” wholeheartedly. It’s not that I detest the fact that I had to led by others but I just did not want others to think that I am weak, vulnerable and useless. My childhood motto was this: Try not to be led by others or any other unknown force. You can shape your life with your own hands.
It could be these sayings like “Your life is in your own hands,” or “You can control your own fate” that has been instilled in me by wonderful ex-teachers whom I looked up to as role models as they have impacted my life in one way or another. From young, I already believed though I may not be the creator of my own body and soul, I had the power and the rights to exercise judgement and discretion to make the ultimate best decision for myself. Though I knew that there’s the existence of God and have read my brother’s comic strips about Jesus Christ when I was 10, God to me was just a “natural force” and a refuge when I could run to and hide in times of crisis. Other times, I’m just on my own.
I often found myself in a tug of war where I had to choose between the “GOD-centred” and the “ME-centred” lives. In the eyes of our Father, I was probably one of the most defiant and disobedient child of God who refuses to be led by the holy spirit. In defiance and confusion, I would often asked,” Why do we have to pray to God to help us ace in our exams? Why can’t we just depend on ourselves, be a little more hardworking and studious to score the A’s we are all hoping for? It’s not like God is us, right?” Yes, I was this hardworking student who listens to the teacher and obeys rules of the secular world but in the eyes of God, I was this rebellious child who like to challenge the set of rules in the kingdom of Heaven.
If not for Hughes’s reminder of how we should play the “rewind” button and pry in our storage of our childhood memories, we would not have remove that weight on our shoulders that has been weighing us down, which disrupts our spiritual growth. Though as a person I’ve grown to learn and discover about God and eventually submitting myself to Him, my childhood motto often still tugs me. Sometimes ungodly thoughts would surface when I am spiritually attacked. It is like you have taken a bath and have cleanse yourself from head to toe. You look clean, refresh and even smell great too.But there are still some dirt stucked underneath your toe nails.
Mediating on God’s words, reflecting on our past and repenting our sins help us to be more convicted in following the footsteps of the Lord. I pray that I will open my heart to God and seek for God’s guidance to free myself from harbouring thoughts that stemmed from my childhood motto. This is especially so during this season of Lent, where it’s a time for all sinners to repent and reflect about their past.
“Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.“
This week, one of the sisters in christ from my cell group used her childhood photo as part of her sharing. I was inspired to do the same way too!
|” Kor Kor, follow me. We go over there, ok?”