5 Things I’m still battling with as I enter Year 2020

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Credit: Matt Popovich on Unsplash

It’s mow 7 minutes away from 2020 as I am typing this blog post.

It’s been a week since I last posted a blog post as I was away in Japan for a holiday. I went there as a single and came back engaged. Yes, on the brighter side of 2019, my boyfriend (whom I’ve been dating for almost 4 years) has proposed to me at Kyoto, Japan. This will be another story or blog post on its own where I will share about my travels in Japan as well as my proposal story.

As of now, I just want to dedicate this post to 2019 after reading all the year-end heartfelt messages left by my friends on Instagram. It seems like everyone is going through some sort of a roller coaster ride this year. Like everyone else, 2019 was not an easy year as I, myself, was learning more about myself as well as God.

Thank you, 2019.

Whatever 2019 did to me, I knew that I was in a better shape than before and it gave me the strength to walk into 2020 with confidence.

At the start of this year, I prayed for better health, better skin and a better career path. While my new year wishes did not seem to fulfill this year, I have faith that changes are happening from within.

1. I wasn’t really happy with my job and I covet others for the high-paying jobs and financial freedom they have.

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Credit: Ian Schneider on Unsplash

I did not exactly hate my office-bound job. Even though I had great colleagues and a supportive boss who had great plans for me, there’s something inside of me that propelled me to quit. The thought of quitting my job has always been there and it has never left. I yearn for a new learning environment each year and greater freedom to do the things I love.

The dream of carving a career out of blogging and YouTube is real. Sometimes I wish I could boldly declare that I am a content creator who writes and makes videos. But due to the industry I was in, it isn’t quite appropriate for me to have a media presence. That is why you hardly see photos of me on my social media platforms. As such, I often covet other bloggers or YouTubers who have the freedom to develop a media personality of their own and do what they love. In addition, they are cashing in more salary than I do.

2. I am an introvert who is somewhat socially awkward.

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Credit: Fabrizio Verrecchia on Unsplash

I am not sure if it is just me or what, but I somehow find it challenging to form long-lasting or deep relationships with the people around me as I get older. As compared to my more extroverted boyfriend, I can’t really seem to hit off with everyone I met. Holding a conversation with others can be tiring and brain-draining. At the back of my mind, I always wondered how some people are able to hit off with others. Is it just me?

So this year, I tried to challenge myself by being more open about myself. I figured that I just had to get comfortable with others and treasure my existing relationships with family and friends. It could be due to my introverted nature of choosing to be more reserved than being loud. And this year, I learn to love myself a little more and cherish people who genuinely cared for me. In 2020, I hope to be more kind to myself as well as to others.

3. I am still…fat.

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Credit: Yunmai on Unsplash

I know I’m not exactly that fat but I’m slightly overweight. And my weight seems to remain status quo for the longest time ever since I was a kid. The constant battle with my weight issues is tiring. Every year, I prayed to God for the same thing. I exercised, eat healthily and saw some improvements but I can’t seem to maintain or lose further. Then they were days where I ate a little more, exercise lesser and the weight came back. The cyclic nature of my weight has indeed impacted my self-esteem. I was constantly telling myself not to buy new clothes because I had the faith that one day I will be able to fit into smaller sized clothes. It’s 2019 and I am turning 32 next year. The battle is real. But I’m not giving up. For health sake, I will keep believing for a healthier body and strength to pull through the battle.

4. I feel like I’m stuck.

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Credit: Finding Dan Dan Grinwis on Unsplash

While my peers are embracing the various changes in the life and transiting from one stage of life to another, I felt stagnant – like I was stuck in my comfort zone for a long time. I was still stuck in the same job and pretty much everything in my life is still the same up till 2019. It isn’t a nice feeling to get stuck on the race track while watching people zooming past you. And all you can do is wish them all the very best when deep inside, you feel really lousy about yourself and wondering why they are more bless than you do.

But this year, I took little steps to challenge myself to do things differently. I moved out and lived on my own. Come 2020, I would have to start planning for my wedding as well as ticking off my bucket list before I settle down. But it’s hard not to compare yourself with others, right? That’s where my faith comes in. If Jesus can bless them, He will bless me too and maybe even more since I have waited longer than they do.

5. I’m stingy with money because I constantly feel that I do not have enough to spend for myself.

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Credit Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

This trait of mine could be developed over the years due to my upbringing. I was taught how to skimp and save by my mum. She has taught me so well that I started to be very prudent about the way I spend. ‘Cheap’ and ‘budget’ are the most commonly used vocabulary in my dictionary. Others might find that being prudent with spending is a good virtue but I am starting to see how this habit has taken a toll on me.

We all know that going for the cheaper option means that quality is being sacrificed. As such, I did not enjoy the best and finest things in life even if I could afford. I could not bear to spend money on myself as well as on others. Attending weddings can be intimidating for me because I knew that I had to fork out at least a hundred dollars or more just to cover the table costs. Worse still, if I do not know the couple well. Why do I have to spend so much on others who I do not care for?

This year, I was taught about God’s love and generosity. I knew God wanted us to be more giving so that in turn, we will received more. For the longest time ever, I chose to stick to my own principles of giving and philosophy of how I should manage my money. But this year, I let go and let God.

Tithing and Investing

I started tithing. By doing so, it changes the way I view money. It is simply just a means for us to exchange for commodity. It holds no value once rapture comes or when we head up to Heaven. While saving money for rainy days is good, it is not say that spending our hard-earned money is bad. What’s life if we can’t enjoy the fruits of our labor? I knew that I had to get rid of the mentality of insufficiency to abundance because the Lord not only provides but He gives in abundance. The Lord has crowd me in His glory and has prepared a land flowing with milk and honey for me.

I also started investing. I prayed for wisdom to invest my money in the right place so that my money not only support businesses but it will also fund my living expenses. In 2020, I will continue to ask God for wisdom in managing my finances well so that I can enjoy an abundant life.

2019 is not that bad after all.

Despite all of the challenges and low self-esteem issues I faced with, God is still good. There are things to be grateful for in 2019 and things to look forward to in 2020.

Hello, 2020

Dear 2020, I am ready to embrace you like never before. I will continue to deepen my walk with God and have faith in my health, wealth and career.

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